just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You've changed since you got that strap on
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
