We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
