Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
