I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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