i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
