im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
