I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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