I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
