i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
