I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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