A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
being pregnant is like rehab
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
