Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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