I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
