I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
