dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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