Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
How does one acquire holy water?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
