Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
