I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
