well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
