i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The best revenge is premature balding
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
