I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
