I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
