I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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