Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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