I wish I could punch you in the face.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
