Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
