if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
