oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
