No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
