my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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