I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
