the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
