I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
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And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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