piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
