I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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