best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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