No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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