During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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