so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
