Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My first STD was from a foam party
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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