I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
