Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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