I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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