happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
