Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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