he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
