I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
