i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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