Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
