Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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