my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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