Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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