Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You ruined the universe
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
