I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
