I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
