I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
