I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
How naked do you want me to be?
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