Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
