My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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