woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
