i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
