he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!