I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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