Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
